To End It All

By

John Charles Galvin

I Look out over the lone bridge and tell myself that I have to end it all. Never again will I hear her laughing at me, mocking me. Never again will I be belittled. It seems like an easy enough task with everything in place; a quiet bridge, a broken person, and a resolute reason. Yet I still struggle to find the resolve needed to complete this act. Oh, I know I want to; otherwise I would not be here now. This I tell myself over and over again. I have the rope and rocks are plenty. She would call me a loser but I ask you, are these the thoughts of a loser? No! A loser would let it all continue and live his life in self-pity and ruin. That is no way for me to live.

Tonight was the worst. She lap danced on my best friend… Right in front of me! Then they made out and she gave him a hand job like I wasn’t even there. Like I didn’t even exist. If I end it all this will never happen to me again. Yes. My reason is solid, true… right. Then why do I feel slow, cold fingers of fear crawling up my spine? I know she does this all the time to me. Of course she has. Her and all her “guy friends” she spends more private time than with me. They are the reason she never wants to talk about us moving in together. It would, “cramp her style” I bet.

Sure, she need a ride somewhere she texts me. She needs to let off steam I’m the one she screams at. She needs money she messages me. When I ned her… Nothing. Is that all I am to her, some loyal piss-bucket boy? Well, no more!

No more texts.

No more calls.

No more favors.

No more shall I cover her ass or bills. No more sorting out her life for her.

Yes! That will teach her. Her and all the others like her. No longer will I be less than background noise. I will make a bang! I will end it all.

“’Scuse meh. Y’all need enny help, son?”

It’s just a redneck in a pickup truck. Stay calm. Stop holding your breath and remember to breathe. Now, hold back the tears and tell him something, anything but the truth. Tell him you just stopped to stretch your legs and admire the view on this beautiful evening. Nothing is wrong with you or the car. Nothing. Nothing. He’ll believe you. He has to believe you. He better believe you or this will never end.

“Beau’iful evenin’? It’s icier than a nun’s left tit out here ta’night. Suit yourself, Frosty.”

Just thank the cracker and wave as he drives off. See, nothing to this game at all. Could a loser have pulled off such a masterful deception as that? I think not.

Loser.

She said I am a loser. They all always say that I am a loser. A loser and a coward. I have to prove I am not a loser or a coward even if I am. I have to end it all. Look; no witnesses other than me, the car, and Mother Nature. It’s too perfect an opportunity to let slip through my fingers. No! Wait! Maybe it would look more like an accident and less like a planned action if the whole car goes over the bridge. Yes! Yes, now I’m thinking clear, straight… logical. Right? I mean, who would question it. Things like this happen all the time. I bet this happens so often it won't even make the news feeds. No one will even notice. Yes, a perfect plan. Flawless. Right? Right. All I have to do is just do it. Just walk back over to the car and it all. Right? Right. Right? Then how come I can’t do it. How come all I can do is stand here? Stand here like a loser. Like a coward. How come all I can do is think about it and not act?

Why? Because you Never go through with anything you bag of dicks. You never DO anything. Loser.

I can hear her annoying voice grate through my memory like a cheese grater against my temple. I tell myself, NO! Not this time, bitch.

Not only are you a loser in life but you’re a lousy screw. You should talk to your brother, trust me, he can teach you how fuck a woman like a man.

“SHUT UP BITCH! FUCK YOU! BITCHBITCHBITCHBITCHBITCHBITH!” BE QUIET! Be quiet. Great, now I’m talking to myself like a crazy person. I just have to end it all. Tonight. Now. Then all of my demons will be behind me. I’ll prove I’m brave. I’ll win. I have a plan. I have a reason. I have the means to rectify this situation once and for all and I will!

WAIT!

Fuck.

The redneck. I can’t have the car go over the side of the bridge, that rube saw me. I was ‘stretching my legs’. It won’t make sense that the car lost control and went over. No, that won’t make sense. That’s what a loser would do. No. OK. OK. I can just go back to the original plan. Yes. Of course. Keep it simple, stupid. Yes. Then I must go through with this now before someone else comes by. I have waited long enough. I must go through with this act now before… No, there is nothing else. I must end it all.

Thank God my nerves are making everything seem like things are moving in fast-foreword or I might turn out to be the loser coward she thinks I am. Yes, go to the car. There she is, still passed out. Carry her out of the car nice and easy. Now, before she wakes… the rope. Quick! Tie her hands and legs together. Hurry, she’s waking! Fuck.

“What the fuck are you doing you little prick!?”

Why won’t she stop squirming? Hold still, bitch. Fuck. To hell with finishing the knot; she’s so drunk it won’t matter... and that icy water will freeze her before she drowns anyway. Over you go, bitch. I haven’t felt a smile crack across my face is a very long time. Her voice has never sounded more beautiful.

“HEEELLLLLLPPPPPPPPP!”

Wait for the splash.

Wait for it.

Wait…

What happen to the splash? Where is the splash?! No, no no no no no…

“Please, Roger, Help me! I’m sorry, so sorry for everything. Please help me. I promise I’ll change, I’ll be different. I’ll never do anything like that again!”

Fuck! No! The goddamn rope snagged a girder. Fuck. Nothing goes right for me. Why? Because I am a loser. I can’t even end it all. I hear her screaming and I pull my hair and close my eyes. Why am I such a loser? Why am I a coward? How did I let this all happen? How?

But what if? What if this is a sign. Maybe this is exactly what was supposed to happen. Now we can both see how things are. Now we can heal and move forward, we can be better. Yes! That’s it. It has to be!

Tell her to hold on! Tell her you’re coming for her.

Grab.

That.

Rope.

YES! Now pull her up. Save her. You’re not a loser, not a coward. Pull her up! Hold on tight now, she’s almost up. Almost. Just reach out and grab her hand.

“Please. I’m sorry I embezzled all the money from your company today. It’s already spent but I’ll find some way to pay you back. Please.”

What?

Maybe I am a loser and a coward. But she’s the one who’s broken.

Goodbye.

I watch her eyes open wide and huge as I let go of her hand. The look is priceless. Her voice is heavenly.

“NOOOOOOOOO…”

Later I enter the old roadside diner and hear a familiar voice call out to me, “Hey Frosty, how’d ya’ll injoy tha view?”

A second smile in so many hours slices wide from ear-to-ear. It was the most pleasant view I have ever seen in my life.

The End