Two-Gun
Pixie
“Many Bothans died to bring us this information.” – Mon Mothma
Or in this case,
Many Bothans just died…
As blaster fire bursts past the Bothan spies they quickly shoot their way onto the stolen freighter, Fool’s Gold. Well, most of them make it on board. With shields up and engines cooking the elite team explodes out of the Eriadu’s Primus Spaceport. A squadron of TIE Fighters gives chase and the Fool’s Gold takes heavy damage before escaping into hyperspace.
The remaining three Bothan’s upload the stolen transmission that Imperial Intelligence sent so many humans to die for. They quickly crack it open and begin to read the transitions.
The soft green glow of the screen casts their long faces in carved emerald shadows. They read through all six pages, unable to stop. Their eyes start to widen as the words reflect in their eyeballs.
Then, in their native Bothese, one says “What the Empire does not know will hurt them.” They all burst into snorting laughter.
The one in the back falls over.
Their laughter abruptly ends as the transmission finishes and a friendly human voice with a soft Imperial accent says in an overly cheerful tone, "Thank you for illegally uploading this Imperial communique. The time it has taken you to read this file has given our virus time to re-write your ships programming." The Bothans begin to gasp for air and clutch at their throats. "All life support systems have been completely shut down." One of the Bothans starts to make his way to a computer panel on the ships walls when gravity control shuts off and he flounders helplessly in mid-air. "Artificial gravity has also been powered down. On a side note, your ship's engines have been set to overload. Thank you and do have a nice day."
The Fool's Gold explodes in a rain of flaming shrapnel and a burst of bright color.
Sgt. Schwartz
I. I.
OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR OF IMPERIAL INTELLIGENCE
SECURE COMMUNIQUE: DB-327
PAGE 1 of 6
TO: LORD VADER, IMPERIAL STAR DESTROYER DEVASTATOR
REGARDING: PROPOSAL OF TEAM SELECTION FOR REPLACEMENT UNIT 13 FOR LORD VADER’S 501st LEGION
UNIT LEADER
SGT. TK420
AKA “the Falcon”, “Firestorm”, “Schwartz”
QUOTE: "It's cool, man. Lets have a group handshake."
Clone TK420 has the distinction of be being the very last Clone Trooper to ever be produced.
At various times it has given itself a title (The Falcon), a nickname (Firestorm), and a name (Schwartz). It also refuses to shave. This is deviant behavior for a clone.
Its rise in rank to sergeant has all been through simulated training programs. It has no real-world, hands-on combat or leadership skills.
During most simulated combat leadership exercises TK420 showed an excessive need to give more commands than its training units could follow. Training unit members frequently disregarded orders despite TK420’s mid-combat “therapy sessions”, as it’s SO referred to them in his reports.
At times it seems to suffer from bouts of indecisiveness and resorts to discussing the next course of action with its subordinates. It often hangs back smoking death sticks while its unit forges ahead. It frequently takes credit for its unit’s success in order to make itself look good in its superior’s reports.
Imperial Intelligence Command highly advises you to reconsider this clone for inclusion in the Stormtrooper Corp, much less as an addition to the 501st Legion.
It is also my personal suggestion that this clone, TK420, be terminated immediately.
DIRECTOR OF IMPERIAL INTELLIGENCE
ARMAND ISARD
First Cpl. Twink Eltows
I. I.
OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR OF IMPERIAL INTELLIGENCE
SECURE COMMUNIQUE: DB-327
PAGE 2 of 6
TO: LORD VADER, IMPERIAL STAR DESTROYER DEVASTATOR
REGARDING: PROPOSAL OF TEAM SELECTION FOR REPLACEMENT UNIT 13 FOR LORD VADER’S 501st LEGION
1st CORPORAL TWINK ELTOWS
FORMALLY Snapper Gyro before legal name change.
AKA “The Wiggler”, “The Worm”
QUOTE: "I'm on the floor. Use me."
Drafted from the Imperial Navy’s Flight Corp Trooper Twink Eltows test scores were some of the highest in his class. His skills were put to the test during the Battle of Kwevron. His log included information concerning his landing of the marines on Kwevron at which time Lambda shuttle WD-2012 was shot down crashing into his Kappa shuttle SR-78. He was the lone survivor. After battling his way through a squad of rebel scum he managed to hijack an old ILM Gun Tug with only a working tractor beam and pull/slingshot his way back to the Imperial Star Destroyer Vensenor.
However, during deep debriefing by Captain Shadda, and the use of an imperial interrogation droid and the recovered black box from the Kappa and Lambda shuttles the truth was revealed.
Trooper Twink became distracted while playing the Empire’s Quest for Stuff freemium app game on his droid phone. This distraction caused him to crash into the Lambda shuttle resulting in the death of all on board. Trooper Twink survived though suffered from a major concussion. He then proceeded to a crawl through a free clinic blasting everyone in sight hoping to find a short-cut to the adjoining local hanging bay. He snuck aboard an old ILM Gun Tug filled with escaping rebels. During the flight he shot his way into the cockpit and blasted the crew before opening the bay doors sending the civilians into the cold of space.
He came to his senses long enough to realize the ILM Gun Tug was actually carrying Moff Medial and his family to the safety of the Star Destroyer Vensenor during the Kwevron Uprising. Upon realizing what he had done he fabricated the story that he logged of his escape.
He showed no remorse over the deaths he caused.
Trooper Twink Eltows should in no way be allowed to join the 501st.
In addition, Imperial Intelligence suggests that this trooper be brought directly to the spice mines of Kessel to be processed into the general population of prisoners for his murder of an Imperial Moff, his family, as well as almost eighty Imperial Marines, shuttle and gunnery crews.
DIRECTOR OF IMPERIAL INTELLIGENCE
ARMAND ISARD
Doctor Tal Theoz
I. I.
OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR OF IMPERIAL INTELLIGENCE
SECURE COMMUNIQUE: DB-327
PAGE 3 of 6
TO: LORD VADER, IMPERIAL STAR DESTROYER DEVASTATOR
REGARDING: PROPOSAL OF TEAM SELECTION FOR REPLACEMENT UNIT 13 FOR LORD VADER’S 501st LEGION
CORPORAL DOCTOR TAL THEOZ
AKA “The 13th Doctor”
QUOTE: “I don’t vant to be zat guy, but…”
Doctor Tal Theoz escaped from Arkania shortly after an Arkanian uprising to cleanse their planet of non-Arkanian genetic deviations. His parents did not escape. He watched the horrible genetic experiments performed on his family before local troops destroyed the facility. Raised by a wealthy uncle who indulged his every wish Tal soon became interested in medicine and genetics.
Graduating summa cum laude from the Imperial Medical Academy he quickly found an invitation to the Imperial Marine Corp’s Medic Division.
Mysterious events surrounding the death of an entire hospital wing of wounded troopers led to a military inquiry.
The unsettling results revealed that Tal killed the entire wing of imperial patients while conducting unordered medical experiments upon them. However his atrocities did not end there.
It was revealed that he actually failed all his medical school finals and blackmailed his instructors into giving him passing grades by poisoning their families. Upon receiving his passing grades he let the families die anyway and then committed horrible physical experiments on his instructors, ending in them all being joined together by their anuses creating what he called a human buttapiller. Imperial medics were forced to put it out of its misery when they were unable to undo Tal’s work.
Imperial psychiatrists have determined that Tal suffers from a split personality syndrome which causes him to affix a strange accent, unheard in the galaxy, and he sometimes spurts out nonsense words, “Danke”, “Nein”, and “Shiza” claiming them to be part of his first language. Tal also suffers from a form of xenophobia which will not allow him to touch non-human beings unless he is conducting unholy medical experiments upon them.
His medical license has since been revoked.
Accept NO prescriptions from this individual under any circumstances.
Tal was imprisoned and awaiting execution when Lord Vader’s men came to collect him for a position in the 501st. During his prison stay he mastered the art of bakery, excelling in the perfection of Pop Overs.
DIRECTOR OF IMPERIAL INTELLIGENCE
ARMAND ISARD
I. I.
OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR OF IMPERIAL INTELLIGENCE
SECURE COMMUNIQUE: DB-327
PAGE 4 of 6
TO: LORD VADER, IMPERIAL STAR DESTROYER DEVASTATOR
REGARDING: PROPOSAL OF TEAM SELECTION FOR REPLACEMENT UNIT 13 FOR LORD VADER’S 501st LEGION
CORPORAL FRITZ MOONBLOWER
NICKNAME: Fritz
QUOTE: “I’ll need a work order for that.”
Fritz and his twin brother Horatio were orphaned at a young age after their civilian engineer father accidently set off a thermal detonator he was putting back together.
Luckily the boys were blown into an open refrigerator. The blast slammed the door shut and sent the fridge through the wall and past two districts before gently landing on a giant-scale modern foam art statue of the city’s mascot, Dudley the Dantooine Dustbunny.
Raised by an aunt and uncle in Imperial City on Coruscant they boys had a lackluster life. Eventually Horatio married and moved to Alderaan to raise his family and pursue his dream of opening a business that sold his hand-carved soap figurines. Fritz became an office clerk. He did the least amount of work possible, but the work he did do was stunningly flawless. Most of the time. Sometimes things would go awry.
This led him to acquire the nickname, “Fritz” (as in not working properly, “It’s on the Fritz”). His name also became a verb around the office. Whenever anyone would make a technical mistake they, “pulled a Fritz”.
This enraged Fritz. One day he entered work, locked himself in the security panic room, hacked the computers and transferred all the company’s funds to an untraceable private account he set up with the Nar Shaddaa First Galactic Bank of Huttese. He then hacked the system placing the building in lock-down, trapping everyone inside. He used the panic-room’s escape pod mode and escaped. Imperial police captured him within the hour.
They stormed into his aunt’s house and into the basement where he lived and quickly brought him to justice.
His impressive technical skills did not go by unnoticed.
He was drafted into the Imperial Academy where he excelled in the technical division. Fritz graduated directly into Imperial Intelligence. He has passed all expectation and some of his work orders are so impeccable they have been framed. One sits in my very office.
I beseech Lord Vader not to extract Senior Manager-in-Training Fritz Moonblower from my office.
P.S. He is never to be referred to as “Fritz” (as in, not working properly, “It’s on the Fritz”).
P.S.S. He should never be allowed to hear anyone using his name as a verb (“Pulling a Fritz).
P.S.S.S. Excessive use of the above may cause Fritz to become violent.
P.S.S.S.S. I meant Fritz his name, not Fritz his nickname (as in, not working properly, “It’s on the Fritz”).
DIRECTOR OF IMPERIAL INTELLIGENCE
ARMAND ISARD
Cpl. Fritz Moonblower
Lance Cpl. Ffej Yer
Cpl. Doctor
I. I.
OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR OF IMPERIAL INTELLIGENCE
SECURE COMMUNIQUE: DB-327
PAGE 5 of 6
TO: LORD VADER, IMPERIAL STAR DESTROYER DEVASTATOR
REGARDING: PROPOSAL OF TEAM SELECTION FOR REPLACEMENT UNIT 13 FOR LORD VADER’S 501st LEGION
LANCE CORPORAL FFEJ YER
QUOTE: “…” Ka-BOOM! (Canon fires)
His permanent record shows that he did not speak his first words until the age of 9, proving to doctors that he wasn’t an idiot -he just never had anything important to say up till then.
Trooper Ffej was an Imperial Academy runaway who had an unremarkable set of grades. The only thing he seemed to excel at was always being able to find the bathroom anywhere he went.
Ffej found his training in the use of heavy ordnance weapons and demolitions useful in the field of private police force for Sienar Fleet Systems on Raxus Prime. The work was good, but irregular due to the presence of Imperial Marines.
The unsettling boredom led most Sienar Police to heavy drink.
Not Officer Ffej. His was another addiction. Gambling and gaming.
His obsession soon led him into the deep underbelly of Raxus Prime. He entered high-stake games of Dejarik, Sabacc and Go-Fish. His winnings never lasted long and in the long-run never outweighed his losings. His fall came one storm-wracked evening at the long end of a 52-hour marathon game of Space Settlers of Catan. If he had lost everything it would have been a blessing.
Not only did he lose everything, but he found himself in debt to Ba’ Ba-booy the Hutt to the tune of 1977 million credits. And one complete set of mint condition, collectable, original series Battlestar Galactica TV show trading cards.
After escaping Raxus Prime he found himself aboard the smuggler ship, Easy Money, running illegal knock-off Harry Potter wands to the Outer Rim planets. After several successful rim jobs local forces came down hard on them. The rest of the crew was sent to slave labor camps and Ffej was picked up by imperial agents and taken back to the Academy.
His training continued to be completely unimpressive.
It is Imperial Intelligence’s opinion that such an unremarkable individual should hold no place in the Imperial Navy, Marines, or Stormtrooper Corp. Unless, of course, that position is strictly regulated to custodial upkeeping.
DIRECTOR OF IMPERIAL INTELLIGENCE
ARMAND ISARD
Pvt. Davin Kadann
I. I.
OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR OF IMPERIAL INTELLIGENCE
SECURE COMMUNIQUE: DB-327
PAGE 6 of 6
TO: LORD VADER, IMPERIAL STAR DESTROYER DEVASTATOR
REGARDING: PROPOSAL OF TEAM SELECTION FOR REPLACEMENT UNIT 13 FOR LORD VADER’S 501st LEGION
PRIVATE DAVIN KADANN
QUOTE: “Why don’t I have a Fuck’n gun!”
Trooper Kadan is the eldest son of Grand Moff Pavlok Kadann. He resisted his father’s political pull to keep him out of the military and enlisted in the Imperial Academy. He graduated top of his class in hand-to-hand combat. His martial training quickly surpassed his instructors’ expectations.
He proved to possess only mediocre skill in ranged combat simulations. He was fast-tracked into the shocktrooper division and was placed in Rancor Garrison.
During training exercises on Ord Mantell Rancor Garrison became involved in a local feud between crime lords. Due to the direct failure of Trooper Kadann to give his troops support more than half of the garrison was killed in the skirmish. With two-thirds of the remaining troops injured an extraction was ordered. An I.I. investigation of the incident revealed that Trooper Kadann refused to enter combat on the grounds that he was not issued a blaster. It should be noted that he was issued standard shocktrooper gear consisting of a Great Force Pike, Shock Gloves, Shocktrooper Armor, and Four (4) Shock Grenades.
His verbal insistence to have a blaster continued during his unconsciousness in the medical bay.
While being escorted to the military court for his hearing Trooper Kadann assaulted and killed the escorting M.P.s with his bare hands. It was speculated that his sentence would have been minimal due to his father’s political standing and pull. After several months of being on the run Trooper Kadann was eventually cornered and taken prisoner in a Rodian house of prostitution. His execution was stayed as a decision was made to reprogram his memories and train him as a silent assassin for the Empire. These plans were dashed due to his insistence to use blasters on all his missions.
Trooper Kadann was scheduled for a deep deployment solo mission on Kashyyk. The true purpose of this mission was to ensure his death without his father becoming involved.
This was halted by Lord Vader’s agents who have taken Trooper Kadann into their possession for inclusion in the formation of a new Unit 13 for Lord Vader.
It is Imperial Intelligence’s opinion that Trooper Kadann would not only be a liability in any unit, but would also be instrumental in that unit’s death.
I.I. stands ready to eliminate this trooper upon Lord Vader’s command.
DIRECTOR OF IMPERIAL INTELLIGENCE
ARMAND ISARD
